Review our "Legal" Notice

The Network Administrator's Meeting Bulls**t Generator

Murphy's Computer Laws

1. No matter how many resources you have, it is never enough.
2. Any cool program always requires more memory than you have.
3. When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.
4. Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.
5. If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.
6. If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.
7. No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.
8. All components become obsolete.
9. The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.
10. Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.

Windows 2000 Error-Codes

Recently the following undocumented Windows 2000 error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals:

WinErr: 001 - Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 - No Error - Yet, however wait about 5min
WinErr: 003 - Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 - Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 - Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 - Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 - System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 - Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 - Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A - Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B - Inadequate disk space - Free at least 5gig
WinErr: 00C - Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00E - Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F - Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 - Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 013 - Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr: 014 - Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 - Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old
                        Windows licence is no longer valid.
WinErr: 019 - User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01C - Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr: 01D - System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E - Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F - Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr: 020 - Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 - Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however,
                        requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus
                        will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 - Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click
                        the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 - Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may
                        not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 - This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr: 683 - Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to
                        complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815 - Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 bytes available

Proper Diskette Care and Usage

1. Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
6. Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
7. If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigourously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
8. Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
9. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.....
10. You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to un thaw by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.
11. "Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.
12. You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command: FORMAT /U or alternatively by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.
13. Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.
14. Make sure you label your data. Staples are a good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.